Now What?

I have always considered myself a well-disciplined person. I've never been one of those last minute paper writers. I've never put off what could be done today for tomorrow. I'm choleric for crying out loud. When something pops into my head, I want to get it done as soon as possible.

Until recently that is.


I have been shocked by how difficult it has been to set my own schedule. It's crazy. When you are the only person holding yourself accountable, it's so much easier to give yourself excuses. I would never have told my professor that I didn't write a paper because I was tired. I would never have told my boss I was late because I felt like watching one more episode. Why am I so willing to except those excuses from myself? I certainly wouldn't have accepted them from my students or from Daniel. Why can't I hold myself to that same standard? It's really made me start doing some reflection on both myself and quitting.

If I can meet deadlines for other people, why can't I meet them for myself? I am happier when I meet my goals and get things done. So why don't I? I'm not talking about my to-do list of chores. For some reason, those things are easy to do. It's the things that I love doing - the things that actually make me happy: writing, reading, calling up a family member or friend, working out that I seem to skip out on.

When Daniel and I decided I would stay home with the baby, I was beyond thrilled. I made huge plans! I would go to daily Mass. I would work out every day. I would finish that dang novel. I would get myself published. Hell, maybe I'd start a business. None of those things have really been happening, but why?

I'm still not entirely sure about why I seem to let myself down like this, but I don't need to completely understand why the problem exists to change the problem. I think one of the things I really need to start with is this blog. There were so many times I said I was going to start blogging on a regular basis.

I think what's interesting is that the idea of sitting down to write is a bigger problem than actually getting words down on paper. Anyone who spends more than 15 minutes with me knows that I can word vomit really easily. I don't have a problem getting words out. I mean goodness, I had no idea what I was going to write about today except the title until I actually typed out the title. Once that was down, everything else just appeared in front of my eyes. It's just actually putting the pen to the paper (or I guess fingers to keys). Once that first step is taken, I'm always surprised by how easily the words appear.

I think really the problem is fear. Fear that I'll quit. Fear that I'll be terrible at this. Fear that I'll be repetitive. Fear that what I'm saying is insignificant. Now as I'm writing, I can feel the pride seeping through my words. (I'll deal with the other fears in a later blog.) Of course I'm going to quit. I have quit...multiple times. I probably will at some point again...except this blog means I didn't quit. Because I am sitting back down and writing, that "quit" transforms into a "break." If I don't come back, then I am quitting by refusing to restart.

Truly quitting can be such an easy decision. I recently had a conversation with a friend about a moment and situation in this past year when I threw my hands up in the air and said, "Fine. I give up. I've tried, and now I'm done trying."

It's not very often that I have a moment when God very clearly speaks to me, but this was one. It was so clear. So simple. Just "No." This small but intense moment reminded me that God never gives up on us. No matter how many times we may give Him reason to throw in the towel. If we're called to love as God loves - to truly imitate His image - this includes His stubborn determination.

I will probably take a break from the things that are important. The things that make me happy, the things that make me holy, the things that make me better. That doesn't mean I have to quit though. I can start typing again. I can get to the car or the gym today - even if I don't go tomorrow. There's no need to worry about whether or not I will do it tomorrow or next week. The point is that I decide today - right now- to restart. So no matter how many times I have to restart, so be it. I will not quit.