Early Morning Rant

I can't sleep. One of the many perks of this whole pregnancy thing. Naturally, as my due date draws nearer, and I'm settling into my new life, I can never get my brain to shut up.

I thought pregnancy was supposed to be beautiful. That I was supposed to feel beautiful. I thought pregnancy was this precious, joyful, optimistic time full of rainbows and butterflies. Before, I thought pregnancy was all smiles and happy moments preparing for this little baby to grace us with blessings and unparalleled joy.

Pregnancy is so not what I expected.

Pregnancy is miserable. I am miserable. I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a rotten potato.

The insomnia is something I'm used to - as is the easy irritability - but aren't there any good parts of myself that get to flourish? All I feel is lazy, exhausted, irritated - really I could go on, but I'll sum it up by saying I feel like all of the worst parts of myself have exploded and I'm now walking around like the Hulk, and I can't revert back to Banner.

This isn't what pregnancy was supposed to be like. Was it? I thought being pregnant somehow made you into this glorious better more virtuous person. Did I take this common miracle and turn it into something so magnificent that the reality will never quite live up to it? What if I find that parenting is the same? Or family life in general? I just can't shake the feeling that none of it could ever live up to the fantasy I created in my mind.

My pre-pregnancy self (especially my pre-college graduate self) would face this insanity with my three quick cures: make a list of to-dos to get it out of my head and on paper, read a book to clear my mind and fill it with someone else's fake problems, and pray to remind me where my peace place is. Then, I would be completely consoled. I would feel back in control of myself, my trust back in God, and my mind clear.

But now, even if I could muster the ability to coax myself into these old habits to temporarily cure my over-analytic insomniac self, it doesn't help. Then it turns into this vicious cycle where all I'm doing is staying up all night and watching TV all day because I'm too exhausted and irritated at being exhausted and nauseous from not sleeping to do anything else. So here I am at 2 AM. Irritated as all get out. Figuring I'll just spout out to the universe this random stream-of-consciousness in hopes that it'll somehow make me feel better to see all this actually down on paper and maybe - just maybe - I'll get to sleep before the alarm goes off at 6:15. 

You know what I keep wondering? How is parenting going to be any better? Then, the kid will actually be here. I mean I get that the kid is real and here now, but I'm giving birth to this child in like 11 weeks, and it STILL doesn't feel real. How is that? STILL. In just 11 weeks, some tiny stranger will be permanently in our lives constantly needing love and attention. What if that only ensures this irritated lazy insomniac permanently takes up residence in my body? ...poor Daniel...

I'm sure I'll fell better later today (seeing as it's 2 AM) when/if I can muster the ability to get to the gym and take a long cleansing shower, but dang. This part of pregnancy sucks. It's certainly not all rainbows and butterflies. It's vomit, nausea, finding fault in everyone and everything around me, feeling like a potato, etc etc etc.

OK, Amanda, think positive. Allyson took some nice pictures. Other people are being awfully nice to me, and I certainly don't deserve it. I have the perfect excuse to eat ice cream whenever I want (unless that makes me a bad mother because I really should be eating broccoli or something?). There's a lot of really cute baby stuff sitting just on the other side of this wall I could go look at. I guess the baby incessantly kicking and moving around and punching my bladder and stomach is...neat...or at least interesting/entertaining...when I'm not throwing up because of it...I don't know y'all.

Really though this whole thing just makes me laugh. I feel ridiculous 90% of the time. No, I know I'm being ridiculous like 100% of the time. I feel insane. Legit. These hormones got me feeling cray. Or maybe it's the fact that it's 2 AM. Or both. Ok. I should stop now...I'd say I'm going to go to bed, but what good would that do me? I don't even know if I should post this. Lol. Ok I feel a little better. Maybe it'll make somebody else laugh. I think I'll go watch kitten or puppy videos now. Would've been so much easier to get a dog. Ok goodbye.