Easter Reflection
This was an amazing process for me, and I am so grateful to all of you who have followed along and shared my journey. I started out writing it for Raphael and for me, so I could heal, but it turned into so much more, and I have all of you to thank for that.
Although I wrote the first three posts weeks before they were published, I was slower going writing the remainder of the tribute. As I was writing the fifth post, I realized I should have called it an Easter Tribute. Especially looking at the timing of everything, it matched up really well. Although I was mourning Raphael's death, I was also presented with new hope and new life in my new pregnancy. The biggest difference being that it didn't feel like Easter joy. I didn't feel hopeful.
Although I wrote the first three posts weeks before they were published, I was slower going writing the remainder of the tribute. As I was writing the fifth post, I realized I should have called it an Easter Tribute. Especially looking at the timing of everything, it matched up really well. Although I was mourning Raphael's death, I was also presented with new hope and new life in my new pregnancy. The biggest difference being that it didn't feel like Easter joy. I didn't feel hopeful.
On further reflection, I realized that I felt very much the way that the Apostles felt in the Upper Room. Christ was standing resurrected in front of them, but they weren't jumping up and down with joy. There was not laughter in that room. They were trembling. They were frightful which is exactly why Christ's first words to them were "Peace be with you."
This handful of verses struck my core when I heard them at Mass a few weeks ago. This moment was the past seven months of my life - especially the past month or so.
Here I was with this new promise, this new joy, before me, but my heart was crippled with fear. Would I miscarry again? Was that round ligament pain, cramps, gas? If I didn't throw up one day, I would wonder: was this the first day my symptoms were disappearing - a sign of another missed miscarriage? Was I eating right? Was it a problem that I lost weight?
Then, there were the other fears. Why wasn't I joyful? Why didn't I feel a connection to the baby? Would either of those things make Raphael's life mean less? Did this new baby erase what Raphael had meant to me? Could I even have joy with this pregnancy?
Yes, I have been told I think too much. It's ok. It's ok. I already know.
My heart was so troubled, and that was what really reaffirmed the nag in my heart to write this tribute. Perhaps through acknowledging and sharing Raphael publicly, I could bring my heart to peace.
It troubles me how much I (and I think sometimes we) focus on suffering over joy. I mean, why didn't Thomas demand to see Christ's walking, talking, breathing body instead of only being able to identify him by his suffering? My heart clung to the suffering as if that suffering was the only thing that verified and validated Raphael's existence. This fixation on suffering can get to the extreme of robbing us of the truth and hope of the resurrection. Drowning in the real misery of atonement, death, and taking responsibility for the faults that led Christ to his Passion, can blind us to the Good News. The Passion without the Resurrection denies God's great Love and gift to us of Eternal Life. He died for our sins and then restored our ability to be in full communion with Him! His generosity is abounding, and we must not forget that He wants love and communion for eternity - not just our repentance.
I started this blog to find peace, and while I am not skipping around my apartment belting Wicked at the top of my lungs, I have rediscovered joy. Joy in the knowledge that I will always have a son to intercede for me and my loved ones. Joy in the knowledge that my baby - boy or girl - will always have an older brother looking out for him or her. And let's face it, an entirely pure saint sibling will probably do a pretty good job. Joy in knowing that one day, I will actually get to meet Raphael.
I don't know that in the midst of the throwing up and utter exhaustion that I have found happiness, but it's second trimester people! While my patience is waning, it's gotten me this far, and I am psyched! I know it's coming. It's ok to have joy and not happiness. It's a sign that I'm letting go of the hurt and giving it up to God to make room for whatever He plans to give me next.
So as I end this tribute, I have decided two things.
1) I will be praying every Sunday, asking Raphael's intercession for women and families who have miscarried, are having infertility, or are having difficult pregnancies. If you would like to submit any names, I would love to include them. Additionally, if you would care to join me, please feel free. Here's my plan for the prayer:
Raphael, please hear my plea
As I am here on bended knee,
Whisper into God's own ear
The names that you're about to hear
(Insert names)
May God grant them his mercy and love
A gift of peace from heaven above.
Amen.
2) Blogging has been really good for me, and no matter how low or high my readership is, I enjoy it, and I have grown from it, so I will be continuing to blog every Thursday. Here is where I come with a request! I am TERRIFIED that I'm going to run out of things to talk about. So, I'm thinking about having about four categories as a springboard to help avoid writers' block. They are Faith, Family, The Everyday, and Entertainment/Literature. If you have other ideas or topic suggestions or just want to pick my brain, please let me know in those comments below!
Finally, here is that baby bump picture!! Maybe not in the best location, but there will be more to come!
Yes, I have been told I think too much. It's ok. It's ok. I already know.
My heart was so troubled, and that was what really reaffirmed the nag in my heart to write this tribute. Perhaps through acknowledging and sharing Raphael publicly, I could bring my heart to peace.
It troubles me how much I (and I think sometimes we) focus on suffering over joy. I mean, why didn't Thomas demand to see Christ's walking, talking, breathing body instead of only being able to identify him by his suffering? My heart clung to the suffering as if that suffering was the only thing that verified and validated Raphael's existence. This fixation on suffering can get to the extreme of robbing us of the truth and hope of the resurrection. Drowning in the real misery of atonement, death, and taking responsibility for the faults that led Christ to his Passion, can blind us to the Good News. The Passion without the Resurrection denies God's great Love and gift to us of Eternal Life. He died for our sins and then restored our ability to be in full communion with Him! His generosity is abounding, and we must not forget that He wants love and communion for eternity - not just our repentance.
I started this blog to find peace, and while I am not skipping around my apartment belting Wicked at the top of my lungs, I have rediscovered joy. Joy in the knowledge that I will always have a son to intercede for me and my loved ones. Joy in the knowledge that my baby - boy or girl - will always have an older brother looking out for him or her. And let's face it, an entirely pure saint sibling will probably do a pretty good job. Joy in knowing that one day, I will actually get to meet Raphael.
I don't know that in the midst of the throwing up and utter exhaustion that I have found happiness, but it's second trimester people! While my patience is waning, it's gotten me this far, and I am psyched! I know it's coming. It's ok to have joy and not happiness. It's a sign that I'm letting go of the hurt and giving it up to God to make room for whatever He plans to give me next.
So as I end this tribute, I have decided two things.
1) I will be praying every Sunday, asking Raphael's intercession for women and families who have miscarried, are having infertility, or are having difficult pregnancies. If you would like to submit any names, I would love to include them. Additionally, if you would care to join me, please feel free. Here's my plan for the prayer:
Raphael, please hear my plea
As I am here on bended knee,
Whisper into God's own ear
The names that you're about to hear
(Insert names)
May God grant them his mercy and love
A gift of peace from heaven above.
Amen.
2) Blogging has been really good for me, and no matter how low or high my readership is, I enjoy it, and I have grown from it, so I will be continuing to blog every Thursday. Here is where I come with a request! I am TERRIFIED that I'm going to run out of things to talk about. So, I'm thinking about having about four categories as a springboard to help avoid writers' block. They are Faith, Family, The Everyday, and Entertainment/Literature. If you have other ideas or topic suggestions or just want to pick my brain, please let me know in those comments below!
Finally, here is that baby bump picture!! Maybe not in the best location, but there will be more to come!
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