A Tribute Part 4

In my last post, I mentioned that there was a coworker who encouraged me to write this blog as well as this particular post. When I was trying to recover, I was struggling with what I needed. She asked what I do to recharge, to fulfill myself (I had made it pretty clear that my job was not doing either of those things).  When I told her I wrote, she was shocked when I told her I hadn't written anything about it. 

At first I was shocked that she would suggest I blog about something so personal (See the end of Part 2 for the reasons I changed my mind), so I wrote a poem in October about what I was feeling.

Little Secret of Mine

Before your dad knew you were alive,

I knew I carried you, held you, inside.

I wondered. I dreamed. I prayed

That I would be ready and unafraid.

Finally, I had solid confirmation

Our family had a new creation.

One month down out of nine

I carried you, little secret of mine.

I went to work every day.

It was so hard not to tell, not to say.

I walked around always delighted

I could barely contain it; I was so excited.

Wherever I went, we two were one.

A unity, a partnership that could never be undone.

But the doctor said “No heartbeat”

I wept for you, my child, I would never meet.

Two months down – never to be nine

I carried you, little secret of mine.

Life became a waiting game

Waiting for physical emotional pain

Then, God called you back home

Suddenly, I was empty. I walked alone.

I did my best to stand tall

To hide my sorrow, my grief, from them all.

Three months down – never to be nine.

I carried you, little secret of mine.

Raphael, your dad said would be your name,

Our little angel in heaven, you became.

The pain lingered within our midst.

My darling, my baby, you are sorely missed.

I could not look at a baby without thinking of you.

Your dad was having the same trouble too.

One month after our family’s redesign.

I carried you, little secret of mine.

As time goes on, I’ve learned to smile.

I look to heaven and know that in a while,

I will be able to hold you in my arms.

For God holds you away from all life’s harms.

I take comfort in knowing that you are there

In heaven where you can watch over me with care.

Two months after our family’s redesign.

I carry you, little secret of mine.