Recovery
So for the entirety of the book and movie franchise, it was an amazing bonding experience, and I always treasured any Harry Potter moment with him. I will never forget there was this one line that my dad used as a lesson. At the end of book four, Dumbledore tells Harry "We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." I don't remember the exact conversation that followed, or if he mentioned it after reading that part of the book or when we say the movie, but these words have resonated with me since then because they are so true.
That is exactly why I have rewritten this several times. Completely scrapped drafts and started from the beginning. It would be so easy to sit here and detail all the times I cried and hurt like when the young family of four started sitting in front of us at Mass or found out people I had to see on a regular basis were due right around the same time I should have been. That would be easy. But especially as reactions to my first post rolled in, I remembered that I'm not just writing for me. There are people who pick up my story who were right there beside me every step of the way. There are people who had no idea how to respond or help. There are people who didn't know I went through any of this and are experiencing it for the first time as they read it. There may even be some strangers who stumble across it who don't even know me.
So both for you and for me, I'm not going to get into every single wound and tear in this post. There are certainly some areas that I'll focus on in the following posts, but if this post is about recovery, I want to focus on the things that helped me recover - not the things that made it harder. I want to have a balance of joy and grief, hope and suffering. Even if it's not the easy way to write about my experience, it's the right way to write about it
After I miscarried, I remember talking to my friend Halie, and I told her that no matter the ending, I was happy that Raphael had been in my life. He had brought so much goodness into our lives. I told her that Raphael had brought Daniel and I closer to God and each other, had shown us what love and sacrifice in our family would and could look like, and it had brought me closer to people that were in my life - even some who I had not expected to connect with.
It really was by the grace of the Holy Spirit that I was able to see these good things at all because that optimism did not stick around. However, looking back and looking at it now, I can rephrase this into three things that I have learned that capture how suffering helped me recover.
Anger is good.
I was so angry. Not at first. At first I was just numb, but I became angry. Angry at God, angry at people who I didn't feel were supportive enough, angry at myself for being so dang gone emotional, angry at people who I had to see every day who brought up babies (even if they didn't know what I had gone through). I was just plain angry. It helped that I knew I was angry because I was wounded. No one is ever a happy camper when they're in pain.
This anger taught me a couple of things. First of all it made my faith unshakable. It came to a point where I had given up saying God didn't exist. Although only once or twice was it an atheistic "God doesn't exist," it was more of a the true God doesn't exist. I mean that all good, all powerful, all loving God. I would assume that most people who have suffered have at some point shook a fist at the sky and said "Why would you do this? How can you do this if you say you love me?" But because of the way my brain works, I soon came to this (perhaps faulty) syllogism where I realized that if the true God didn't exist, then I couldn't be angry.
Where would my anger be directed if not at a God that I believed should be all good, all powerful, and all loving? It wouldn't make sense for me to be angry at someone who wasn't those things. It certainly wouldn't make sense to be angry at something that didn't exist. So I could either acknowledge that the true God existed or that I was insane. These were the only ways I could be angry.
So I took it to prayer, and I distinctly remember praying "Your will be done, BUT if you LOVE me..." or "I know you love me BUT..." and that was okay. It was better to be angry and to yell then to shun Him or become numb. So I let myself be angry because I was hurt, and if I was angry at Him, then I could still run to Him. This anger enabled me to remain deep in His arms as He held me and let me be hurt.
Vulnerability and Honesty bring people together.
I never tried to be strong for Daniel. There is something so beautiful about being able to be fully who you are, where you are, when you are. I don't even think I could explain how incredible he was. "Supportive" isn't even close to sufficient. I think even "loving" doesn't do him justice. He made so many sacrifices during this time to be there for me. He switched his job. He listened even when he was hurting. He shared his own feelings. Him doing all of these things and many more - especially being vulnerable and honest with me - brought us so close and softened the suffering. It was so much easier to be in pain together because there were so many people I encountered every day who were entirely oblivious to how much I was suffering. I couldn't be who I was around them, but I could come home and be exactly who I was at that moment. My appreciation for him and his love during this time will never fade. He could not have been more perfect.
There were also some people who consistently kept in touch with me - whether it was about the miscarriage or about everything else going on in their life or mine. There were the people who would check in with Daniel to ask how I was. There were people who let me know they were praying for me. These people who kept me from sinking into self-pity and loneliness will always have a dear place in my heart. It was amazing to experience their love in their various forms. I had been so sorry I had shared my good news with them when I had to share my bad news, but the way they reached out and embraced me through the whole thing made me so grateful that God had placed them in my life.
At work, there were very few people that I told. Two in particular gave me a whole new perspective though. One person told me about losing a child during the fifth month which had instantly given me chills. I couldn't imagine the devastation of losing a child that late. I had Raphael for 10 weeks - but five months? It put in perspective that while I was suffering, there were others who suffered too and in ways that I couldn't even imagine. The other person who gave me a new perspective shared some health issues and decisions she was having to make that reminded me to be grateful that I had been able to get pregnant - that Raphael had even existed. She is one of the reasons that I decided to write this 8 part tribute and particularly why I wrote Part 4.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't leave an extra space for my wonderful Regnum Christi family. I have a pair of women in my life who have been a gift that I find myself consciously thanking God for all the time. We meet for Encounter with Christ (like a Bible Study) once a week, and having this routine helped me keep a pulse on my dwindling spiritual life. They graciously allowed me to talk their ears off, and they created a space where I knew I could be my emotional self. Their prayers, their joy, their charity, their just sheer goodness is something that I don't think I will ever find in anyone else again in this life. They are truly two spectacular women.
Self-knowledge and Self-care are essential.
There was a while there where I wasn't really willing to reflect independently on what had happened. I told myself if I kept going to work (I only missed one day), that it was the only way I could keep going. I don't necessarily believe going to work was the wrong decision, but it would have been good if I didn't have to rely so heavily on others for my reflective moments.
At Teach for America, the next two meetings that they held after I miscarried were about self-care. I knew I wasn't taking care of myself as much as I needed to. That was mostly because I didn't know what I needed, which is why I was so grateful for the people who allowed me to be vulnerable and then would give gentle advice. Taking these people's advice was very helpful because it enabled me to learn what I needed to do to take care of myself.
Additionally, it is something I'm still learning every day. If you're an expert in self-knowledge or self-care, please let me know your secret! It's interesting how many things Daniel and I are learning now that we are like...oh that is an important conversation we need to have. Maybe we should have talked about that sooner. This is one of those categories that I think needs constant conversation in a family. There are so many factors to consider. Daniel is an introvert. I am an extrovert. We need different things to take care of ourselves, but there are some things that we can do together to take care of ourselves too. Taking care of ourselves will help us take care of each other as well. There are so many times where I find myself saying "oxygen mask" both to myself and to Daniel.
If I can't breathe because I haven't prayed, written, or read in a long time, I'm not eating well or not sleeping well, then of course my sinful tendencies are going to be right there in every conversation and interaction. I need to breathe and so does Daniel. There's no reason to set aside things that enable us to be the best version of ourselves. We owe it to our family to take care of ourselves. How can we take care of others - and why would they trust us to - if we aren't taking care of ourselves? Now obviously, this does not mean we neglect each other, but it requires true charity, vulnerability, and excellent conversation to ensure that you are able to take care of yourself and your family.
I think that there is a negative stigma to self-care because it seems self-serving, but that is so wrong. I cannot serve my family the way God intends me to if I have a splitting headache because I stayed up too late. I cannot serve my family the way God intends me to if I am so burned out because I haven't taken even five minutes to read today. God intends my best self to serve others. I owe it to them and to God to be my best self, and it's okay to admit that I need to do these things for that to happen.
It is a constant learning process that makes me so excited to learn about my husband, myself, and our family.
I'm still learning how to recover and how to grow, but I think those three things played the most significant role so far.
Tune in Thursday April 12th for other writing that I've done to help me recover!
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