In November, I went to Ann Arbor, Michigan for a retreat with the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. They were having a vocational discernment retreat, and I somehow found myself joining them for it.
I didn't want to go. At all, but in one week, I had three people talk to me about it / tell me I should go.
It began with me discussing vocational discernment with a friend on the way to work a week before school started. She mentioned the Dominican Sisters and how her family was friends with Mother Assumpta. Because she was talking about herself, I didn't think much of it for me. I am happily dating Daniel, why would I even consider discerning the religious life?
That Friday, I was in confession when a priest asked me how old I was. I told him, and he asked what my major was. When I told him that I was double majoring in Education and English, he asked me if I ever heard of the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of Eucharist. My heart pounded as I nervously answered that I had. He suggested that I go on their vocational discernment retreat in November. After a brief moment of panic and reading the brochure, I got in the car with my uncle. My thoughts raced as I tried to think of what to do and how to tell Daniel.
I thought the small talk that my uncle began would calm me down. He began by asking me what I was majoring in. I told him, and with nearly no pause at all, he responds, "Oh! Sounds like you should be a Dominican Sister!" He promptly followed this with letting me know that there was a discernment retreat in November.
So there it was. Three times in one week. Distraught, confused and angry I called Daniel that night in tears. After a long talk, we both decided that it would be best to open our hearts to whatever God planned for our lives whether it was what we thought wanted or not. By the time we hung up, I was planning to go. When I went to bed that night, I was completely exhausted.
Within the next month of talking to various friends and family members, I turned in my paperwork and bought a plane ticket. Then came two and a half months of waiting and trying not to think about it.
When the day finally came, Daniel and I said our good-byes, and I found my way through security and to my gate. Once I boarded the plane, I found myself sitting next to a young lady not much older than myself. Holding my pillow in my lap (we were instructed to bring a sleeping bag and pillow), I cramped into the middle seat. She glanced over and said hello, smiling. I did likewise, and she asked me, "You don't happen to be going to Ann Arbor?" I laughed and told her I was. We were both relieved to have someone to discuss the journey with so we chatted for the beginning of the flight.
It did not take long for us to land in Michigan, get our luggage, and pile into the 15 passenger van that the Sisters drove to pick us up. The Sisters were full of smiles, laughter and jokes, easing the nerves of the nervous arrivals (especially me). I kept assuring myself that I was going to have a great time. After all, I hadn't been on a retreat in a long time. Plus, I had already made a friend. How bad could the trip be?
When we got to the convent, we talked, ate dinner, played volleyball with the sisters and waited our turn to talk to Sister Joseph Andrew. It was finally my turn and I went in. It was supposed to be a brief conversation just so she could see where we were spiritually, but we ended up talking for about 15 to 20 minutes about my family, Daniel, and why I was there. By the time I left the meeting, I was feeling pretty relieved. She had complimented my willingness to see why I was supposed to be at the retreat. As I fell asleep, I had some peace.
The retreat began the next day at 2 after Mass and other arrivals. Several people gave talks about their personal vocations: a priest, a married woman, and the postulates (women in their first year at the convent). It was overwhelming hearing how happy they all were, and I could not help but think to myself: how could I possibly sit here and want to be holy and not choose the religious life? This thought terrified me.
Sister Joseph Andrew passed around a bag that had Marian names in it, telling us that we were supposed to be like that Marian name. I crossed my fingers for Our Lady of Guadalupe because she's Mexican and Daniel's Mexican and that would solve all my problems right? Well, I didn't get Our Lady of Guadalupe. Nope. I got Mary Queen of Martyrs. That's right. Martyrs. Then, I really started freaking out because every sister in the next speech kept talking about how their life is to die to themselves for the sake of Christ. That's martyrdom right? So I did what came most instinctively to me. I cried. We had a procession to a Marian statue and sang Marian hymns. The whole time, I cried. Wouldn't you know it, but I ended up standing right in front of Sister Joseph Andrew, who put a hand on my shoulder. After the songs were over, she gave me a hug and said, "We will always love you, my child. Go and see Jesus. He's waiting for you."
I went to adoration, still crying. I sat in the pew and took out my journal. I shouted and screamed at God with my pen, furious at Him. I asked him questions like Why Daniel had come to my life if it was supposed to be temporary? Why would I fall in love with him? Why would I feel guilty for wanting to be married? Why was I there? Why couldn't I see myself in the postulates' stories about always wanting to be a nun? I had never wanted it. I had thought about it because every Catholic must think about what God wants from them. The questions kept coming, and I just kept getting angry.
To avoid being too angry, I thought about my Marian name. Queen of Martyrs. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me. Mary was not just a virgin. She was not just an example of saying yes to God like a nun does. No. Mary was also a daughter. A mother. A wife. Peace surged through me. A wife. Mary was married. Mary had children, and she did die to herself every day of her life for her husband, for her son, for her God. I thought beyond Mary about other holy women who were married - saints or not. I thought of my own mother and how much she sacrifices for us and my dad. I thought of her strive for holiness and realized that marriage was not a lesser calling. It was a selfless calling. Not a selfish one. It is just as glorious as religious life with its own challenges.
Naturally, I cried again but with joy this time. I asked God at that moment for permission to marry Daniel, and for the first time on the retreat, my soul was still and my heart was quiet. I had found my answer. So I went to bed for a few hours and returned for holy hour with my team. Doubts however crept back into my heart as I began to feel guilty for desiring marriage. In the morning, I went to speak to Sister Joseph Andrew, and I asked her if that was normal: to discern marriage but feel guilty about it. She said no, which crushed me. She could tell that I was upset, so she asked me to return in the spring and told me a story that would change my life.
"There was a girl," she said. "who came last November, and she was pretty sure she was supposed to be married, but like you she had some doubts. Because a vocation is personal, I could not say for her - or for you - what she was truly called to. She came back this retreat, and she discerned married life for sure. She's flying sky high completely ecstatic for her life. She's dating a young man now from Franciscan, and she could not be happier."
Completely bummed out, I nodded and left her office. I went straight to the seats that were set up for the next talk. Now, there were 180 girls on this retreat, but I had never felt more alone. I sat down and stared at the ground, trying hard not to cry. Lord knows I had cried way past my limit so far.
"Excuse me." There was a girl next to me, but I didn't feel like talking to her. "Can I sit here?" I nodded, and she asked how I had heard about the Sisters. I told her my whole story, unpacking my whole life on her. She nodded and said "You know. You sound a lot like me. You know, I came last November, and I was pretty sure that I was supposed to be married, but I wasn't really sure." I looked up at her, and chills ran down my arm. "I'm sure now though. I know I'm supposed to get married. I go to Franciscan now, and I'm dating this guy, and I'm just so happy."
There are times in our lives where God leaves us speechless. Times where God presents us with His beauty, and we can't help but be overwhelmed. I spent the rest of the retreat talking with this beautiful young lady about our lives and our vocations. As I left, I looked at the beautiful Sisters and their holy way of life, and was able to breathe. Their lifestyle was beautiful - but so was my calling. So I returned to school, to Daniel, and have found so much peace with my decisions, with my friends, with my family, with Daniel, with God. And there is no greater beauty than that.
No comments:
Post a Comment