It's always really interesting to me when someone takes a concept or idea that you've always known but never articulated intentionally in thought or word and makes you see it in a clearer way. I love those "huh, why didn't I think of that?" moments. I especially love when people are able to do that with faith or relationships because these are two areas that I'm supremely intrigued by, that are ever-changing, and as I time passes, that I feel I know less and less about.
On Sunday, Father Pat's homily was about commitment. He talked about how God has fully committed Himself to us through the Incarnation and His presence in the Holy Eucharist. I was definitely interested in this phrasing because it's a lot like what I talked about a few weeks ago with God never giving up on us. After explaining how God has committed Himself to us, Father talked about how we are called to show God the same kind of love that God shows us.
While I've often pondered on my love for God and what that means and looks like, I've never really thought about my commitment to God. After giving some thought, I realized that not only was it the phrasing that caught my attention, but it also intrigued me because of how last week went for me personally.
Pregnancy hormones are crazy, y'all. I was so anxious last week - about anything and everything that popped into my brain. Now, while my life has changed drastically in the past few months, I kept telling myself this change, this anxiety, this (insert issue here) was all temporary. "This too shall pass." However, one of the repeating themes was: what if these feelings don't change?. What if I am more pessimistic now? What if this anxiety isn't temporary at all, but permanent?
You see, for a while, I kept assuring myself that I would feel differently once I was married, once the baby was born, once I finished my novel etc. Slowly, I started to realize that these events didn't seem to have as drastic of an effect as I anticipated. I didn't suddenly feel "better" or "happier" or whatever positive/affirmative feeling I was looking for. I couldn't really articulate it at the time, but I was really looking for a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment that wouldn't change as quickly as my life was changing.
So Father Pat's homily got me thinking. What if the reason that I seem to be stuck or constantly slipping into this pessimistic anxiety is because I'm focusing on all of these temporary things?
First of all feelings themselves are certainly temporary. Then, if I take a deeper look at the things that I was expecting to create some sort of drastic change, they're also somewhat temporary. A wedding only takes place in the span of a few hours. A baby being born only takes 9 months. Sure, both of these things will create relationships and sacraments that last a lifetime, but in reality, that lifetime ends. Everyone dies right? So does that mean that my positive feelings and the things that I'm trying to latch my identity and purpose to are solely dependent on someone or something that could potentially be gone tomorrow?
Then what?
Because the thing is, we have an existence that far exceeds this lifetime. While that often freaks me out due to my desire to control as much as I can, it also means that I should be staking my identity, my purpose, my emotions, on the things that are not temporary. That requires commitment. Specifically commitment to God. He is the only thing, person, etc., that will not leave or change through my entire existence. So why am I trying to grasp so firmly to things and people that are gifts for now when I could be firmly attaching myself to the God who has granted me them?
Now obviously, there has to be a balance. My vocation after all is to my husband and my children. But I think that when fleeting feelings spring up, if I can remember that my vocation is for God, I will find that my purpose and fulfillment will not waver. It's interesting how intentionally shifting my focus to "committing" myself to God has already started making all of these other parts of my life much more fulfilling and full of purpose.
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